Holy $#!&... Where's the Tylenol?

My heading here may be my favorite line ever. It comes from the great Christmas Vacation. I have been watching that movie with my family since I can remember. Every single family get together on my side of the family would be incomplete without a quote from this movie. As much as I love this movie, I can't help but feel that this line completely explains my whole Christmas Vacation. Don't get me wrong, we had a ton of fun not working and spending time with the family, but there were some circumstances that really put a huge damper on the festivities.

Let me start from the beginning... Dec. 3 we found out that we were PREGNANT! Wow it was an exciting day. We had been trying for 8 months. I know that doesn't seem like an eternity, and I definitely know that people have tried longer and some can't even get pregnant, but 8 months was an eternity for me. Every single month getting a negative test after a negative test took a serious toll on me. It was heartbreaking, especially when you live in a town where everyone you know is getting pregnant every other week. I quit my job, mostly because I hated it, but it was also making me so stressed, and we figured this is probably why we couldn't get pregnant, cause I was just way too stressed out all the time, and sure enough the first month trying after I quit... BAM positive pregnancy test. I called my family and Adam called his to tell them all the news. Everyone was so excited and life went on.

When I was about 5 weeks into the pregnancy I started having some light spotting, everything I read said this was completely normal, I worried a bit, but they said as long as it was brown and not red, it really wasn't anything to worry about. It lasted a couple days then went away. The semester finished and we headed to Arizona to celebrate Christmas with Adam's family. Then the spotting came back. We called a doctor and he said I just need to take it easy, get a lot of rest, and drink a lot of water, so that is what I did. My whole Christmas break included me sitting on a couch, sounds like a lot of fun huh? I however did have a bit of fun... we played games, went and saw Real Steel (great movie by the way), saw the lights at the Mesa Temple, and enjoyed eating delicious food. Christmas day we got up early opened gifts and went to church. It was a great day.

Mesa Temple

Marcus made delicious creme brulee almost every night.

Playing the game Quelf

Christmas Day opening gifts

Family Picture after Church

The day after Christmas we traveled to Vegas to spend the week with my family. I was still under strict orders to lay around and do nothing, which may sound fun, but when you are finally with your family that you don't get to see very often you really just want to go out and do stuff. I was still spotting pretty much everyday now. We debated whether seeing a doctor, but my insurance under my parents would not cover anything to do with pregnancy and we were still waiting to hear if we got accepted for medicaid. So we did not go, and we just kept hoping that it would eventually go away. December 28 was Dooms Day. The blood turned red. I was freaking out, crying hysterically, not knowing what to do and only thinking the worse. We went to the hospital. I should have been almost 8 weeks by then but was only measuring at 5. The doctor said that he could not tell if I was going to miscarry or not. Apparently 20% of women will bleed during their pregnancy. Out of that 20%, 50% will have normal pregnancies and the other 50% will have a miscarriage. He took my HCG levels which were normal, and had an ultrasound which was normal if I was only 5 weeks along. So he told me to come back in two days and get blood work again to see if my HCG levels were still going up. If they went up things would probably be fine, if they went down then I was most likely going to have a miscarriage. So we went back on Dec. 30 and got the blood work, since it was a Friday we had to wait til Monday to get my results. That weekend was a tough one. I had no idea what was going on and I was hopeful that everything would be ok, but I had a terrible fear that everything was not going to be ok.

We had a fun New Years Eve, just hanging out, eating lots of food, and watching all the countdowns on TV. Very relaxed, and just what I needed to lift my mood. Monday we went back to the hospital to get my results, and my HCG levels dropped by 100. I was in shock. I really thought everything was going to be fine. So I went home and did some research on the internet to see if your levels dropped if they could still go back up. I couldn't really find any answers, but I had finally accepted that I was probably going to have a miscarriage.

We head back to Provo the day after we got the results. It was a pretty uncomfortable ride back. I was starting to cramp, they weren't bad, but they were there. That night was probably the worst of my life. I was having full on contractions. Two minutes of pain, with one to two minutes of relief, for 4 hours straight. They stopped for about two hours and I finally got some sleep and then they started again. Another long horrible four hours, and then it was morning and they finally stopped. We had an appointment with Baby your Baby that morning so we went there and was given our pink card. We talked with the nurse there and she told us to just go to the emergency room. Now that we had the pink card, they would cover everything, so that brought a great relief. We head to the hospital and we got right in, and I had another ultrasound and blood work, which confirmed what I already knew, I was miscarrying. The doctor asked if I wanted a D&C and I told him if I had to go through that pain again if I tried naturally than it was not happening, give me the D&C, but he told me he would like to see if I would pass it naturally and he gave me some pain pills. Those pain pills may have saved my life. Anytime I would feel some cramping coming on I would take one, and then they were gone. Just like magic!

I had a follow up appointment two days later, and she went to check if everything was gone, and pretty much pulled the entire sac out. She told me that the bleeding should stop within a week and my period should return within 2 to 4 weeks. The bleeding did stop. FINALLY! That was awful. Imagine having a very heavy period for 3 weeks straight! Yes AWFUL! TMI? Oh well, this is more for me then for you. haha. And life went on.

It's funny to me that all of my growing up, I never really heard of people having miscarriages. People really just don't talk about them, cause as soon as I told a few people about having one, it seems like everyone and their mom has had miscarriages. It is a little comforting to know that I was not the only one. It was still probably the hardest thing I have ever went through in my entire life, and I absolutely hate that I had one, but like I said life goes on. I don't know why I had to go through that, and a lot of people have told me that I should probably wait a bit before I start trying again, so that I can heal emotionally, but I am sure that the only thing that will heal me is holding my child in my arms. So we aren't waiting. My period has already came back and it is trying time.

I don't ask for sympathy, this is a very common thing and I have already pretty much moved on and I am just looking forward to being pregnant again. I really just wanted this written down, so I can always remember this. This was a big changing point in my life, where I could make one of two choices... to ask why everyday or to accept that this had me a stronger person and in the long run will make me a better prepared and more loving mother. I have chosen the latter and in the words of the great Robert Frost "... And that has made all the difference."